Rules for men...

and don't even think about not following them...

1. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend’s cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
2. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature’s unsuitable.
3. Thou shalt not rent 'Chocolat'.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1–10 scale.
6. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem—you didn’t see nothin’.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy’s birthday is strictly optional.)
8. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals’ significant dickheads — low-level sports/music bonding is all the law requires.
9. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach…and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel…and it’s free.
10. When in a bar that has a ratio of more than five waiting customers per bartender, limit orders to beer and straight liquor. (No, your girlfriend does not need a frozen flying grasshopper with a twist of grapefruit.)
11. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you’re able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.
12. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with soft cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor’s broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes
13. Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, exams, and your resumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, and poker.
14. (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
15. Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “fuck off!” you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.
16. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
17. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.