Blatantly adapted from...The A Side...

Dear Righteous Human;

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.
I have learned a great deal from you and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.

I do need some advice from you however, regarding some other elements of God's Law and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.
The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?

Here is how I saw it happening!

"And he did go forth and smite the sinners with his mighty grill cover and extra large BBQ fork"...

Yes... It needs work...But can you tell me if I am on the right track?
It's just that I already own these items and did not budget for smiting neighbors this year...

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned inExodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

And even then we have to find someone who is extremely hairy faced with great vision...
Sheesh!...Nothing worth doing is easy it seems...

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
One of them actually 'forced' me into un-clean contact...
Ok...Maybe 'forced' is the wrong term but the question remains...

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I also like Italian food. Can I have an Italian cook-slave?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus35:2. The passage clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
Or, may I be vindicated and rendered clean with a contract hit?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this?
Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

One other thing...wtf?...Why should I care?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I mean all that turn to stone stuff is pretty scary...I really want to get this right!

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

But...thou shalt not kill!

Here is an idea...What about suspended animation?
We put them in this box thing and you zap them with some...
Deep Heaven Karma!...
In a few more thousand years I'm sure we will have figured this one out!

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?...No!...Really!...Seriously!...

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that anyone named 'Bush' is eternal and unchanging.