A sign of the times...The Story of Two Assholes...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying
"Hello." I politely said,
"This is John. Could I please speak with Robert ?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin’
number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call
him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

So I blocked my caller ID and called the number again and said; "Hi, this is John Smith with the phone company. I'm calling to test your caller ID.
Do you show this call as blocked?” He said; “Yes, I do!”
I told him; "That's because you're an asshole!"

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.

One day I was at a local shopping center, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a full sized Hummer cut me off and
pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled
that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I
noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the ‘Hummer’
asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Hummer for sale?"
Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at -------, in Highland Park. It's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"

"I'm home most days as I need to be.”

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"

"Steve, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call.


Then one day I came up with
an idea.

I called asshole #1.

"Hello?"

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"I live at --------, in Highland Park and if you are too fucking stupid to find it, there is a gunmetal gray Hummer parked out in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start
saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ASSHOLE!," and hung up.

Then I called asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll do what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass!"; he exclaimed.

I answered; "Well, dip-shit, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at --------, in Highland Park, and that I was on my way over there to
kill my gay lover. I said that I was in the National Guard and heavily armed.

Then I called every local news station about the war going down in Highland Park

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Highland Park.

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in
front of sixteen police cars, two SWAT teams, an overhead police helicopter and five news crews.

Result...

Now I feel MUCH better!...

Lessons...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.

And don't be an asshole!